My life feels like its over and I feel crazy

 So. I think I have bipolar disorder. It runs in my family. I recently had a super destructive manic episode. My marriage, my house, my finances, and my physical self were all harmed during it. I couldn't stop. I feel like a psycho. I feel like the joker in that new movie where he was dancing on the stairs. He kept hurting himself but he just kept going not caring or thinking about any consequences. 


Now I am on a journey to fix myself. What a sham right? I don't know at this point if I have ever felt normal. I was always fulfilling a role. I was my sister's mom, I was my mom's therapist and the receiver of her narcissism. I think she cursed me. Bipolar runs in her bloodline. She is bipolar for sure even though she refuses to admit it. Her mom is medicated for it even though she also refuses to accept it. 


I've read so many books and passages and helpful articles. But how do I rewire my brain? Why did it have to be messed up in the first place? One of the books was saying how several famous and great people were bipolar like Winston Churchill. A freaking joke am I right? Yes, my "special" brain and all of my destructive behavior could be like Winston Churchill. Major freaking eye roll. It's very hard to accept that you are sick. People have told me for like a year that I was exhibiting symptoms. My poor husband had to endure so much before I hit my breaking point. I am afraid of myself basically. Like who is going to wake up with me today? How am I going to feel today? Mania has been rare, but that last one was so bad. I almost lost Josh. The only reason I didn't is that he is an actual angel who has a heart of forgiveness and love. 


I know all of the things. I am a child of God. God doesn't make mistakes. He is full of grace and mercy for me. But it's hard to accept. It is hard not to cringe and feel extreme pain when I look back at all of the stupid and hurtful shit I have done to the people I love. My mania obsession was cleaning. Just like my freaking mother. Guess who would get so upset when their husband didn't share in my manic cleaning episodes? Me. I would say awful things to him out of my frustration. I couldn't think of anything else. Just cleaning. I would take my kitchen apart down to the nuts and bolts of the appliances. I was constantly reorganizing everything. All the time. I grew to hate it and I just couldn't stop. Other chores would pile and pile up. Laundry seemed impossible but the kitchen had to be immaculate. Then I would sink.  I would do nothing. For days and days and everything would pile up and Josh would be left with my mess. I would be left with feelings of guilt over my lack of action and I would wish the mania would come back so I could be productive. 

I'm writing this and laughing at how ridiculous I sound. At least no one will read this. No one cares. My friends and family have fled. My mother is so toxic I can't be around her. Childhood me mourns the loss of the parents I never really had. I got dealt a shitty hand at birth and there is nothing I can do about that. It just sucks. And now I have dug my grave. It is a huge black pit of darkness that I am slowly trying to dig out of with a toothpick. 


I don't even know how to tell my parents that I need space from them. My dad is trying to forge a relationship with me these days and my mother tries to take over our phone calls. They give me such negative feelings I can't take it. What am I supposed to say though? 

"Hi, it's me your oldest daughter, ie therapist, ie emotional garbage dump. I can't physically handle your shit anymore because you messed me up so bad as a child. Thanks for everything though!"


I am sure that would go over real well. This post is like my thoughts in my head all of the time. Random, no order, and really really really fast. Thank God for spell check because my brain moves too fast to spell words right. Nothing makes sense. But I'm not the first and I am not the last person to experience this. I just need some tools. 


This photo is from my walk with my dog today. I don't really know why I took it. It just felt like how I feel. Barren, no life, with a stupid bird that keeps jumping around and crowing. Screw you stupid bird and your noise. Leave me alone. 


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