Listening to People who "have it made" sucks

 Have you ever been listening to your favorite Christian podcasters who "are real" but still seem to have their life together? Today I was listening to Sadie Robertson's podcast and I just thought, "How do these people have such good relationships with their parents?" Like what in the world? I want that. I am jealous of that until the world ends. My mother is the source of almost all of my trauma in life. How do these people have moms who love them?

Thankfully my therapist has reassured me that I will not treat my children the way my mom did, but I am jealous of people who have moms and dads who are close to them. There is a gap in my soul that my parents will never ever be able to fill. Childhood me is so mad at them. I just want to yell and scream at my mom to stop being so full of herself. 

My question for today is how come all of these books, podcasts and even bible studies directed at women in the Christian genre are so light and fluffy? My life is not light and fluffy. I don't need to hear about Jessica and her struggles with literally nothing. I need to hear from people going through the really hard stuff. That's what I am doing. I picked up a book called "Imperfect Courage". I sat down to start it and realized that this girl's "courage" was starting a business. Yes, I'm sure it's scary and all that good stuff but seriously? I need someone to talk about how I am feeling. I feel like I am alone in this crazy ride. No one understands how my brain works except my therapist, but I pay her to. 

I haven't seen anything anywhere that actually makes me feel like the person talking or writing is on the same level as me. Not to say people don't struggle, they just don't talk about it.  If you are feeling like me right now, welcome to my blog. I don't think anyone reads this, so I write all my hard shit. Sometimes I am manic, and my posts are really happy, and sometimes I am depressed, and I don't write anything, or I'm neutral, and I reflect on all of my highs and lows. Welcome to the madness.