I dont know what tomorrow holds

Today's brain dump: What am I doing? I feel like a fraud. Like the thoughts in my head, all of the time makes me less of a person. What ideas did I have that were manic me? What passions are truly mine? I don't know anymore. Nothing makes sense. I feel passionless because I don't know what I actually want and like. Like the time I self-taught myself to sew, thinking I was crushing it. Come to find out, when I am not manic I barely know how to work my sewing machine. What the hell brain?

I don't know what God's plan for me is anymore. I mean I don't think I ever really knew, but I had ideas. I use to wish that I was like my dog or my cat or something so I could have such a more simple life. Due to my bipolar, I even doubt my faith. Were the times I thought I could feel God's presence just mania? I know that when I am depressed, I lose all habits, so Bible study walks right out the door. I feel like such a liar when I tell people I am a Christian. I am so confused. I of course believe in God and his goodness and he gives me hope, but sometimes I feel like Jonah, thinking I know better than God. God, could you send a whale to swallow me for a couple days? Maybe spit me out in the Bahamas and then bring me back a week later? Thanks.

Jesus? Could we take an eraser and fix up some mistakes? I keep comparing myself to others and their struggles and whose are worse or better than mine. I always compare myself to others. I mimic people I am around so they will like me more. I think that's a defense mechanism. Why are brains so confusing???? 

 This one is a short one today because I just physically cannot. Here is my beautiful kitty son for reference. He lives a very spoiled life.