Anyone Else Afraid of Themselves?

Haha, what a joke right? "How can you be afraid of yourself?" I have been asked. Here's the answer: because my brain makes me do very stupid things. When I am manic I can't stop. When I am depressed I can't start. Neutral me is just floating somewhere in the middle dealing with the consequences of my actions or inactions. Ever cleaned a kitchen that's like 2 weeks overdue? It's a health hazard I swear. Thanks depressed me. Ever taken apart your kitchen to the nuts and bolts cleaning it at 10 pm? Just because you can't stop obsessing? You don't want to do it, but it is all you can think about. It sucks. 

I can barely type this blog post right now. I had a phone call this morning unexpectedly from my church. I declined and then called them back thirty minutes later because I had to think about it. Think about it? What was there to think about. I just fretted for thirty minutes about what they might want and what they might say. Like seriously? They are from my church, what could they possibly do to hurt me? And the call was lovely. I knew it would be, but that didn't stop me from suffering silently in my head.

We have been staying at my mother-in-law's house. It is so hard for me not to obsess over every little detail because  I don't want to be a nuisance. She is so sweet, she knows what I am going through, and we are here to help me heal. I still can not take it if there is a single micro crumb on the floor. My childhood trauma has wired my brain, that if a single thing is even the tiniest bit dirty, I will be in trouble. Thanks, Mom. That's been wonderful. 

I keep picking up my phone to play my stupid star wars game. It's an escape. I deleted all my social media accounts because I can't be trusted with them. They feed into my manic thoughts. I compare myself to the hot girls I see on there and impulsively cut or dye my hair, buy a whole new wardrobe, or stop eating for several days in hopes of looking like them. At the time, I believe these things will make me unstoppable. I want/believe everyone will drool over me and stop in the streets to worship me. It's so delusional. 

Does this post even make sense? I don't think I have the brain space to read it over again. Hopefully, the typos aren't too bad. Oh well. Enjoy this random photo I took while on a 4-mile walk because I was obsessing over being skinny. It's beautiful. Thanks, Manic Emily.